New Year's resolution? No thanks. Nora McInerny on ending the constant self-improvement cycle

CATHY WURZER: We're just over two weeks into the new year, friends. It's a time when ads promoting exercise, and diet programs, and all manner of self-improvement schemes run wild across the internet. You get the feeling society is telling you you need to be a better version of yourself, and you should start right now.

Our next guest would argue that's not how life works. Nora McInerny is an author with roots in Minneapolis and the host of several podcasts including Terrible, Thanks for Asking. She joins us right now. I am so happy to hear your voice. How have you been?

NORA MCINERNY: Cathy, I'm so much better now that I'm hearing your voice, even though I live in Arizona. I want you to know, I'm still a faithful listener thanks to the internet.

CATHY WURZER: Oh, gosh. Nora, thank you. I missed you.

NORA MCINERNY: There's nothing like Cathy Wurzer. I miss you.

CATHY WURZER: I'm telling you. Thank you, by the way, because I still follow you. I read the blog. I listen to the podcast.

So I thought to myself, she's on to something. She's on to something about these self-improvement messages. And I laughed out loud, of course, because you wrote these self-improvement messages swarming our feeds are coming from, quoting now, "a dark cabal of self helpers hoping that you will buy what they are selling, when what they are selling is a lie." OK, do you really believe that?

NORA MCINERNY: I really do. I think that if you look at-- the dark cabal is a joke, and also not that much of a joke because some of the top self-help authors, promoters are not just selling books. They are selling seminars that cost thousands of dollars and programs all designed to try to convince you that the thing that is wrong is yours, and is in your control, and it all comes down to you. And they do all know each other, and they all promote each other. And once you see that, you can't unsee it.

CATHY WURZER: See, I have to say, I hear what you're saying-- I really like new year's. And I make resolutions. I break them all. But I still like the concept of starting fresh, you know?

NORA MCINERNY: Yeah.

CATHY WURZER: So yeah, naturally, I decided, in my feed, I found a bunch of wall pilates ads, so I thought, I'm going to try that. I hurt really bad.

NORA MCINERNY: Wall pilates.

CATHY WURZER: Have you ever heard of wall pilates? It's true.

NORA MCINERNY: No. But now that you've mentioned it, I'll start getting those ads as well.

CATHY WURZER: Probably. Right, so I started that thinking, I need to improve myself. My fitness really is really rotten. So I thought, I'll start this. And of course, it's two days, and I'm done.

So I really like making resolutions, because I just feel like it's something, I don't know, I try to take control of myself, but I fail miserably. Do you make resolutions at all?

NORA MCINERNY: I am less interested in the new year as a new start and more interested in what I think is a more realistic and self-compassionate approach, which is a new start can happen any time. It could be tomorrow. It could be after we're done speaking.

But the new year is not the time that I personally want to sit down and make a list of all the things that I'm doing wrong and can do better. And I'm not against self-improvement at all, right? I think that's a noble goal.

But I am in favor of being a little bit more skeptical about these people and programs that are trying to sell you on the idea that your life is not good enough, and that they have the secret, and the secret is in your control, because there's only so much that is in our control, as you know. And you learn that the more life that you end up living.

But the idea that it all comes down to you is, in some ways, really exciting, right? Because if you have the secret, if all it comes down to is wall pilates, well, then, baby, you just fixed it because you clicked that link.

CATHY WURZER: I know, right?

NORA MCINERNY: OK? But there's so many things at play in our lives. Our ability to improve or even have some amount of self-awareness comes down to a lot of factors that are not all within our control.

CATHY WURZER: True. True. True. Now, you wrote, because you're in Arizona, clearly, you have the ocotillo that's outside your door there, which is a really cool desert plant. And I like what you wrote. Tell people what you've learned from this spiny plant.

NORA MCINERNY: There are always so many lessons in nature. And I say that as an indoor person. But we moved from lush green Minnesota to the Sonoran Desert. We live in Central Phoenix in the middle of the fifth largest city in the country.

And there's a lot of desert landscaping-- reed, gravel, and cacti. And in the front of our yard, it just looks like a bunch of sticks sticking out of the ground. And I said to our realtor, we got to get rid of this, obviously.

And he almost screamed, no, you can't. This is a protected species. It's an ocotillo plant. It's native to the Sonoran Desert. And it does look like a dead pile of sticks unless all of the conditions are correct, and then it blooms.

It blooms into these beautiful sort of spiny, deep green leaves and bright pink flowers. And since we've lived in this house for almost four years, it's gone from a pile of sticks to a beautiful, beautiful plant back to a pile of sticks. And the lesson that I took from that is that I will bloom when I'm ready, when the conditions are right.

A lot of the self-help, self-improvement space is based on the messaging that you are constantly growing. You are constantly getting better. And everything has a cycle to it.

And I'm sure you've read a few of these pieces too, Cathy, but January is not meant to be the start of a new year. It's actually meant to be a time of rest and reflection. It is a dark part of the year. And spring, actually, is a great time for renewal.

Spring is a great time to grow, or start something new, or expand. And I don't know, we see that in nature-- nothing goes forever. Nothing grows forever. And to treat ourselves like we are optimization machines instead of complex living beings is, I think, why people start out a new year or a brand new age and think, I'm going to tear everything down. I'm going to start everything over. And then two weeks later, not so much.

CATHY WURZER: Yeah. Yeah. You're speaking to that person right now. I know. I hear what you're saying, and it's resonating with me. Are you blooming right now? Or are you fallow?

NORA MCINERNY: I am resting right now.

CATHY WURZER: OK.

NORA MCINERNY: I'm resting right now.

CATHY WURZER: I don't want to say "fallow." That sounds like kind of an icky word.

NORA MCINERNY: Yeah. No. But I think "fallow" is great. And I think this is a time for me-- I have been going and growing as fast as I can and as hard as I can, in part because I was under the spell of a lot of those tenets of self-improvement, right? If you're not growing, you're dying. That's factually incorrect, and also depressing to hear.

And I really did treat myself like I was an optimization machine. And this is a time of year for me-- and, honestly, probably a time in my life where I do need to pause. And I'm trying to honor that. And it is really, really hard, because you know what we love in America? We love a winner.

CATHY WURZER: Yeah.

NORA MCINERNY: We love a winner. And we love a person who is constantly overcoming obstacles, whose setbacks are just setups for a comeback. Quitters never win, and winners never quit, which is also, again, factually incorrect. No offense to your gym teacher. But plenty of winners are quitting all the time.

CATHY WURZER: And of course, we also love to be busy-- busy, busy, busy. Before you go--

NORA MCINERNY: Love to be busy.

CATHY WURZER: I know. Before you go, Terrible, Thanks for Asking-- you dropped a new episode last week. Loved it, by the way. Quickly, what are your upcoming plans for the show?

NORA MCINERNY: We do biweekly episodes of Terrible, Thanks for Asking. And sorry, I think my computer just went to sleep. Did it? Nope. OK.

CATHY WURZER: It's OK. It's OK.

NORA MCINERNY: We do-- hoo, I panicked. We do bi-weekly episodes. We love telling stories of people who are going through something or have gone through something. And that's what you'll find every other week.

CATHY WURZER: The first episode of the year deals with the limits of people's empathy after a death. So thank you, by the way, for talking about that. You are fantastic. Again, I am so happy that you took time to talk with me. I wish you all the best in this new year. Thank you, Nora.

NORA MCINERNY: Thank you, Cathy.

CATHY WURZER: Nora McInerny is an author and podcast host-- Terrible, Thanks for Asking, wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for listening to Minnesota Now.