New memoir shares an 'ordinary human' experience of caregiving

CATHY WURZER: It's a role most of us will likely take on at some point in our lives, if you haven't already. I'm talking about being a caregiver for our parents. In the US, more than 40 million people are caregivers. A Minnesotan documented her experience and reflections on love and loss when taking care of her mother. Savita Harjani left her job, her Minneapolis home, and her husband in 2016 to take care of her mother full time in India.

She stayed until her mother died nearly five years later. During that time, she wrote down her emotions and thoughts and feelings. It's now in her debut memoir Postcards from Within: Random Ramblings from an Ordinary Human. Savita is on the line. Such a pleasure to have you on the program, Savita. Welcome.

SAVITA HARJANI: Thank you, Cathy. And good afternoon to you.

CATHY WURZER: Good afternoon.

SAVITA HARJANI: Thank you for having me.

CATHY WURZER: Absolutely. You moved to the US when you were 20-years-old.

SAVITA HARJANI: Yes.

CATHY WURZER: And you write that you knew the day would come when you'd have to choose between your life here and your responsibilities toward your mom in India. What was that choice like when you had to make it?

SAVITA HARJANI: It was, like I said, I anticipated that day coming. And my husband and I often talked about it. But when the day came, it was a difficult choice, but one that we made effortlessly because that's what we were going to do. And we were committed to doing that. And it meant our lives changed drastically.

I moved to India. My husband handled everything here. And we committed to it. And we were so lucky that we were able to do it.

CATHY WURZER: Was it a foregone conclusion that you would care for your mother at some point, someday?

SAVITA HARJANI: In my mind it was, Cathy. It absolutely was. Unless she was so lucky that she wouldn't need caregiving, which turned out not to be the case. But in my mind, I always knew that day would come.

CATHY WURZER: It's been said caregiving is the hardest job you'll have and there's not much preparation for it. It's on the job training. Was that your experience?

SAVITA HARJANI: Yes. It truly was one of the most challenging times of my life. And the challenges were I never had to care for anyone who depended on me. I never had children. And so I never knew what that looked like.

And like you said, there is no manual on how to do caregiving. And when you are caring for somebody you love so much, to watch them suffer and not be able to lessen their suffering is a very difficult thing. And I had put everything on the line, my relationship with my husband, long-term husband, our family finances and my career. It was physically, emotionally, and mentally challenging.

And I know I was committed to this. And I loved her very much. And my mother was a wonderful woman. Despite all of those factors, I experienced caregiver burnout. And it was a very difficult time.

CATHY WURZER: Well, we should say too you were dealing with a very medically complicated situation. Your mom had kidney disease that required in-home dialysis for like 16 hours at a time. She had cancer. I mean, my goodness, you had frustrations to be sure. What was the most vexing for you?

SAVITA HARJANI: In terms of the medical conditions?

CATHY WURZER: Oh, yes and everything you had to do.

SAVITA HARJANI: Sure. I think I never lived in India as an adult. And I went there some nearly 40 years later. So learning to navigate India, it's a completely different skill set. That was a big challenge.

Learning about the medical conditions because I learned that you have to be an advocate for the one you are caring for, whether it's self or another. And there were times where had I not done my research or not had common sense or not asked the questions inappropriate treatments might have occurred. So keeping that in mind.

And then like I mentioned earlier, just watching somebody suffer it's really hard. And then on top of that, we ended up with COVID where we couldn't get to hospitals or doctors. And so yeah, it was a huge-- but it was also a wonderful time, Cathy. I really do want to say that it. It was very challenging, but it was also incredible.

CATHY WURZER: Well, you mentioned-- and you write beautifully in the book about during the dialysis sessions, which were grueling obviously, it was kind of a bonding time for you though.

SAVITA HARJANI: Yes. It was typically an hour or longer, the afternoon session. And it was typically mom and myself. And we would just have to wait for the dialysis fluids to drain. And we would just sit there and talk.

And it was a bonding time. I learned so much about her, about the family I come from, about my father, about myself. And we listened to music. She taught me a lot. And I learned family history. And I didn't realize that we had so much soap opera kind of family history.

And it was just brilliant. And she tried to teach me and impart wisdom, some of which I perhaps imbibed but maybe not. But yeah, it was a great time.

CATHY WURZER: You write letters to yourself in the book and sign them, "Gratefully yours, the ordinary human." Why that moniker?

SAVITA HARJANI: Because going through this journey I really-- I was actually surprised and shocked that how many failings, limitations, and shortcomings I actually had. I was fairly ordinary and coming face to face with that made me realize, yes, I am an ordinary human being. But having said that, I think it was also very liberating to acknowledge one's limitations. And it allowed me to take life a little less seriously, laugh at myself. And I thought that that's who I was being when I was talking to life or writing to myself.

CATHY WURZER: Sounds like you learned a lot about yourself.

SAVITA HARJANI: Yes. It was an amazing journey of self-discovery. And I did come across all my vulnerabilities, failings, limitations, shortcomings, but also I discovered certain strengths that I didn't have. I thought courage was always sort of the domain of the heroic.

But when I needed to draw upon it just because the stakes were so high, it was mom I was caring for. I could draw upon that. And I found I had courage. I found I had stamina. And so those were also some pleasantly surprising discoveries that I made on this journey.

CATHY WURZER: You did this work for five years in India. As you say, it was difficult. What doesn't this country understand about caregiving and what needs to be done to support caregivers?

SAVITA HARJANI: That's a very good question, Cathy. And I am thinking as I'm speaking with you about it. I think one of the big differences is that we have a very individualistic society here. And we-- really I'm not sure if we know how to support each other, whether it's through work or whether it's through community.

Whereas in India, even though those models are now changing, families support each other. And I think we need a lot more support and understanding of what really caregiving entails. It's a really tough thing. And what is surprising is that everybody will need caregiving at some point. Everybody will be a caregiver in some way. Yet, we don't have the infrastructure to support that.

CATHY WURZER: For--

SAVITA HARJANI: Sorry, please go ahead.

CATHY WURZER: Please, go ahead. No, please.

SAVITA HARJANI: No, I was just saying that I've been listening to conversations. And now that I'm speaking about caregiving, I'm coming across people and organizations that are doing a lot to support this. So I'm really excited to see how all of that is going to blossom.

CATHY WURZER: You know, I may have mentioned this when you and I first met, but I have long thought that the dying are excellent teachers for the living if you're willing to listen. So what did your mother teach you? What were her final lessons for you?

SAVITA HARJANI: You know, Cathy, she was an amazing woman. She was one of those really, really optimistic, positive, good people. And she parented through actions. I saw how she interacted with people.

She never said, "Be a good person." I saw her being a good person. I saw how she treated people with respect. How she treated people with love. And then whenever I was sort of not being a optimal, stellar human being she would call me out on it.

And I remember one time I was moaning and groaning about some sob story that I was peddling to her. And she cut me off. And she said, well, why did you do what you did if you're going to engage in accounting? And just in relationships. And so she was just amazing. And I just learned so much from her.

CATHY WURZER: I'm glad to hear that. I'm sure she's quite proud of you. And the book is beautiful, by the way. This is your first book, my gosh. You know, I'm going to be curious to see what you come up with next.

SAVITA HARJANI: Oh, thank you, Cathy. Thank you so much for saying that. I don't know, but I think the postcards keep coming and I just need to sort them. So let's see where it takes me.

CATHY WURZER: All right. Savita, thank you so very much. I appreciate your time.

SAVITA HARJANI: Thank you so much, Cathy. You have a great day.

CATHY WURZER: You too. Savita Harjani is the author of Postcards from Within: Random Ramblings of an Ordinary Human.