Preschoolers, parents and first separations: How to work through it

It’s the first day of preschool and kindergarten for many little Minnesotans. That means new routines and new people, which can create some anxiety for parents and kids. MPR News asked a few experts and parents for advice. Here’s what they told us.

What is separation anxiety?

It’s a feeling of excessive fear or anxiety when being separated from a loved one. It can look like difficulty sleeping, excessive worry, nightmares or bed wetting. It’s very common in children.

The National Association for the Education of Young Children has a catalog of tips and discussions around identifying separation anxiety in kids, from identifying potential problems to how parents can help navigate them.

Why do kids feel separation anxiety around back-to-school season?

It’s mainly the new locations, new activities and different routines — but it can also be a feeling that they may be misunderstood, said Lidan Gu, a pediatric psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School.

Young children rely on their primary caregivers to understand their needs even when they can’t verbalize them, she said. “So when they go to the child care or preschool for the first time, that means that they’re going to adjust to the new caregivers and they’re going to worry whether the new caregivers will understand what they need and they want.”

Gu said parents may also end up with conflicted emotions — not wanting their child to be sad but knowing they need to let them go because child care or preschool or kindergarten is a great opportunity for a child's development. 

How can families navigate those emotions?

Gu noted that children rely on routines to feel a sense of comfort. So, make a routine, some kind of goodbye ritual.

That’s a sentiment echoed by Kristen Wheeler Highland , a 43-year child care veteran who’s currently a staff member at the Community Action Partnership of Washington & Ramsey Counties who works closely with the region’s Early Head Start and Head Start programs.

“We need both the parent and the child to be confident in the separating and the reuniting,” she said, adding that she encourages parents to create a three-step ritual. “What are the three key things you’re going to do every single time you drop your child off, so that it is so routine that the minute I do the first of those three things, my child knows it’s signaling that I’m going.”

Those steps, she said, might start with “a positive statement, like ‘You’re gonna have a great day,’ then some kind of connection like a hug or kiss or ‘I love you,’ and then it’s a reassuring goodbye. ‘See you later! I’ll pick you up at 2!’”

The worst thing a parent can do is sneak out, she added, because it can signal to a child that you can’t trust them to know you’re going somewhere.

Wheeler Highland also mentioned getting to know your child care providers and making a visual reference for your kid’s school. That’s what parents Sean James and Imani Moss did recently at a preschool open house with their 3-year-old son, Kyrie.

Kyrie is the third of their four kids, and they said this time they feel more excited than nervous about the coming separation but that it’s still nerve-wracking.

“The first time, it was very hard. I’m not gonna lie. But it’s the third time around, not as nervous,” James said. “I’m always gonna be nervous, like sending my kid away, but I’m not as nervous because I got good confidence in my son.”

At the open house they were greeted by Kyrie’s teachers and administrators. They said it made them feel good to know their son was going to be around people with good energy.

Overall, experts and parents noted that despite the anxious days first separations with young children can create, it gets better with time. Just be consistent.

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