In favor of a stadium, or strongly in favor of a stadium? Only further study can tell

By Kirk Anderson

My local newspaper runs so many pro-stadium editorials, its editorial writers are constantly challenged to find new ways to say the same old things. I'm guessing they will soon be calling for submissions from the public, just to keep up with the grueling demand. Here are some basic do's and don'ts on how you can write your own editorial for the paper, with tips on how to make your submission stand out from the others like a retractable-roof palace next to an underfunded county hospital.

Boldly advocate a moot point. No one wants struggling, foreclosed Minnesota taxpayers to be subsidizing millionaires in the midst of a recession. So it's probably best not to come right out and say that's the plan. Instead, you'll want to find some moot point no one will disagree with, and come out strongly in favor of it.

Example: "It all comes down to this simple question: Do Minnesotans love their football team, or not?"

Start by acknowledging up front that it may not be wildly popular to ask struggling, foreclosed Minnesota taxpayers to subsidize millionaires in the midst of a recession.

Example: "Minnesotans are understandably focused on their own petty financial concerns, and any plan will no doubt be unpopular with many of our less informed, but well-meaning, state taxpayers. Before any decisions are made at the Capitol on strengthening the social safety net for one of our state's most financially stable entertainment corporations, Minnesotans deserve the full and transparent appearance that their nagging, paranoid concerns are being taken seriously."

Remind the public that "no" only kicks the can down the road, until more responsible Minnesotans eventually find the backbone to capitulate.

Example: "It's too easy to just say 'no' to a really stupid idea antithetical to one's own interest. Saying 'no' risks the Vikings moving to another city that is more amenable to extortion. Doing nothing -- waiting for the invisible hand of the free market to determine winners and losers as we sit around twiddling our thumbs -- is not an option."

Stoke public fear that people on the coasts might not think we're cool.

Example: "Major league franchises are part of what makes us feel like we're not just a bunch of cow-tipping rubes with 'Fargo' accents. Do we really want New Yorkers to call us 'fly-over country' again? Remember the bad old days before 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show,' back when our governors never appeared on Time magazine? We Minnesotans want to feel good about ourselves. The loss of the Vikings would take a meat axe to Minnesota's already low self-esteem."

Remind readers it is hopelessly naive to cling to their preening idealism.

Example: "In a perfect world, businessmen would pay for their own business expenses with their own business profits. Our world, unfortunately, is not perfect, and there's nothing Minnesota can do but accept it. Sadly, it's willfully naive to go on believing in our own silly, utopian power to somehow influence public policy through democratic means. Ours is a free market system, and any idea of owners 'paying their own expenses' with 'their own profits' is a pipe dream."

Clarify the choices, by boiling the infinite possibilities down to two stark life-or-death options.

Example: "The real questions are: Do we want to continue living in an industrialized, developed, first-world state, or do we want to become a wasteland of shantytowns where the largest employer is the plasma center? And second, sure, listening to 'the will of the people' may appeal to our moral vanity, but do 'the people' really think killing jobs is going to be good for the economy?"

Be honest enough to admit the paper's own compromised financial interests; it is a dynamite way to win trust and respect from skeptical readers. But bury it near the end anyway.

Example: "In the interest of full disclosure, readers should be aware that development of a downtown stadium could include property now owned by this newspaper. But if we allowed those financial interests to color our judgment in the slightest, do you really think we would have just told you about them?"

Congratulations! You're almost finished with your editorial. Now simply wrap up the loose ends, and bring the argument full circle.

Example: "The question is not whether Minnesotans should encourage big business to suckle big government like a giant lamprey. That is a complex question best left to policy experts. The real question is: Do Minnesotans love our football team, or not?"

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Kirk Anderson is a political cartoonist in St. Paul. His work has appeared locally in the Pioneer Press, Star Tribune and City Pages, and nationally in the New York Times, Washington Post, Newsweek and other publications. You can see samples of his work at MolotovComix.com.

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