'Keep trying with curiosity': New book outlines advice for parents on teens and tech

NINA MOINI: If you have a teen in your life, you know their communication and exploration revolves a lot around screens. And that's not a new concept, of course, but a new book explores the latest research and firsthand accounts of adolescent development, independence, and in the digital world. Minneapolis-based author Erin Walsh wrote, It's Their World-- Teens, Screens, and the Science of Adolescence, which comes out today. She's here to help uncover the mysteries of the teenage brain. Erin, thanks for being here.

ERIN WALSH: Thank you so much for having me.

NINA MOINI: And I'm thinking for all of us, not even teens anymore, these devices and this attention span issues and everything are so common. But you have two children who are on the brink of adolescence. Is that what made you particularly interested in this topic of teens and screens?

ERIN WALSH: I've been writing about and reading about and poring over the research related to media's impact on child and adolescent health and development long before I had my own kids. I've been doing it for about 20 years. But I do think having that parenting hat on, not just my evidence or science-based hat, but that parenting hat-- I have a soon-to-be middle schooler and soon-to-be high schooler that are in the heart of a lot of these issues.

And I think that that helps me do what I hope the book is an offering of, which is not just the science, but the practical strategies. All it takes is being a parent to have our ideas of what parenthood would be like, crash into the messy realities of daily life.

NINA MOINI: Yeah, and to the point about parents and then their teens, sometimes, people talk a lot about issues, but they don't ask the teens or the people at the center of what's going on. So you talked to a lot of teens. You engaged with them when writing this book. And I wonder if there's anything that really stood out to you or surprised you or helped you shape the narrative of the book.

ERIN WALSH: Yeah, and I love that invitation, which is that we do a lot of talking about adolescence--

NINA MOINI: Yeah.

ERIN WALSH: --especially when it comes to technology and social media and gaming. But asking them curious questions isn't just nice to do because it helps us understand them, but it's protective for their mental health and well-being. And I have learned a lot from the young people I've had the opportunity to talk with across the country related to digital media/ and a couple of things that stand out is, one, that we actually have a lot more in common with adolescents and their concerns.

This old image of adults trying to rip devices out of kids' hands and teenagers thoughtlessly clinging to them, I think, is outdated. The young people that I've had the honor of talking with, they are quick to point out the benefits, but they are equally aware of the concerns--

NINA MOINI: Right.

ERIN WALSH: --of the harms and the ways that they wish these platforms were designed to better meet their needs and to center their healthy development.

NINA MOINI: They're open, in a lot of instances, you're saying, to trying different things. And here on Minnesota Now, we try to hear from all different types of people who have opinions on an issue. We've talked to school administrators. We've talked to teens on the show. We've talked to parents. Does your book or your research look into the different roles of other school or other things that are in the lives of teens? Or is it mostly about that parent and teen relationship directly?

ERIN WALSH: Yeah, the book really is primarily written for the parent audience in terms of the tone and some of the stories that I share. But in my experience, the science of adolescence and better understanding and translating what does the latest research say about what does it mean to thrive in a world dominated by screens and what's needed from caring adults, that science and those strategies are widely applicable across all kinds of caring adults.

And in fact, one of the insights in the science of adolescence is that our teenagers need more than just a parent or a primary caregiver, that they need that network of caring adults who are curious, who are helping them build skills, who are, yes, setting boundaries when needed, but also inviting them into that process of stepping into the driver's seat of their digital lives.

NINA MOINI: Yeah, it helps if you're having good practices everywhere you are. But sometimes at home is the bulk of where people learn their habits. And you're kind of saying in this book, it's not as easy as saying, hey, you need to be off your phone, or you can't do this, you can't do that. How does that tend to backfire? And what are some of the strategies that you do recommend for parents?

ERIN WALSH: Yeah, we have a real opportunity in this moment. I haven't talked to a parent or a teenager across the country who isn't worried about media's impact on their lives. The challenge is, is that when we're scared, we tend to reach for things like control and limits and bans. And it's not that limits aren't a tool in our toolkit.

But when we think about it in the context of the core developmental tasks of adolescence-- so things like, what am I capable of, how can I contribute to the world, who am I, who do I want to be-- it's this time of skill building, of discovery, of experimentation and trial and error. And that really is at odds with a toolkit that only relies on turning things off, setting limits, or lecturing. Limits are a tool, but they can't be the only tool in a tool kit for parenting teens in the digital age.

So then we need other things-- connection-based strategies like-- we've already talked about it-- curious questions, that non-judgmental [LAUGHS] stance, which is so hard as parents, to not just want to transmit the knowledge and try to help them avoid all the potential harms, but to be really curious about what's helping, what's working, what's not working, where might they need extra support, and where might they need us to just be a listening ear or to cheer them on.

So things like that and co-creating boundaries together are a really good fit for the teenage brain. This combination-- and you'll read this in the book over and over of what adolescent psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour talks about as warmth and structure. [LAUGHS]

Young people need boundaries, but within those boundaries, they need adults to step towards them with opportunities for skill building and for reflection, and to plug them in to opportunities in the community to help them not just turn off their devices, but turn on skills that will help them navigate the risks that they will eventually encounter.

NINA MOINI: So going a little further with what you're talking about, do you suggest that parents-- we need to talk, or are you saying it's more of a casual-- bring it up when it's feeling a bit more casual? What is the opening question or the opening line for parents that you might recommend, just to give them a starting point?

ERIN WALSH: Yeah, I love that question, because this is where being a parent of a teenager is, of course, helpful. The last thing that teens are going to respond to is us getting off of this radio program and turning towards them and saying, I'd like to book an hour of your time. And I'd like you to welcome me with authenticity and earnestness into your media life.

NINA MOINI: Right.

ERIN WALSH: That's not going to work right there.

NINA MOINI: Good luck.

ERIN WALSH: Yeah, good luck. Their developmental task is to figure out who I am. And to do that, a lot of teens do have to push their parents away and create a little distance to figure out who they are. So us saying, we want to tell you everything, we're going to put you on the hot seat all the time, that tends to backfire as well.

So we're thinking about these curious questions as planting seeds. And where these seeds are planted really matters. So conversations where we're sitting side by side, whether it's riding on the bus, driving in the car, when there's an endpoint late at night when teenagers kind of wake up, even though we're tired-- that's often when they're chatty. So we have to get creative with connection.

I saw this on a show I was watching. Have you heard of this? Or what are some of the things-- what's some of the advice that you might give younger kids? Adolescents sometimes like to give advice about the sixth graders more than thinking about sharing about themselves to a parent. So I think that sometimes, what happens is we ask the curious questions, and we're met with stony silence or a couple-word answers. And we take that as a message to stop asking.

NINA MOINI: Huh.

ERIN WALSH: And what we know from teenagers is that they may not directly tell us. [LAUGHS] But all of the evidence is really clear that one of the strongest protective factors is that warm and open communication with a caring adult. So in other words, keep trying.

NINA MOINI: Keep going, you might have to do.

ERIN WALSH: Try and try again.

NINA MOINI: Yep, it's not--

ERIN WALSH: Keep going.

NINA MOINI: --going to be one evening. Erin, fascinating stuff. Thank you so much for coming by Minnesota Now and sharing your work with us.

ERIN WALSH: Thank you so much for having me.

NINA MOINI: That was Erin Walsh, co-founder of the Spark and Stitch Institute in Minneapolis. She's the author of It's Their World-- Teens, Screens, and the Science of Adolescence, out today.