Two prominent Minnesotans on caring for their aging parents

CATHY WURZER: Say, tomorrow is National Caregivers Day, but you didn't know that. President Biden outlined his support for caregivers in his State of the Union address earlier this month, and that includes those who take care of their aging parents. Caregiving is said to be one of the hardest jobs you'll ever have, and it's not a role many people plan to take on.

I'm joined by two guests today whose lives have changed because they are caregivers to their parents. Susan Kent of Woodbury stepped down as Minnesota's Senate Minority Leader to care for her aging mom, and Paurvi Bhatt stepped away from her role as a health care executive at Medtronic to care for her mother, whose health was in decline until she died last year. Susan and Paurvi, welcome to the program. Thank you for joining us.

PAURVI BHATT: Thank you.

SUSAN KENT: Good to be here, Cathy.

CATHY WURZER: I'm going to start with Paurvi. Now-- well, both of you held very powerful professional positions, but Paurvi, you were at Medtronic-- high-powered job. Tell me the story of how you decided to step back and take care of your mom.

PAURVI BHATT: Oh, well, thank you, Cathy. First of all, thank you for your commitment, and the Senator, it's a real honor to be here together with you all. A big part of my stepping away really begins with a little bit of an origin story. I'm a second-generation Indian immigrant.

My parents, Harshad and Rekha Bhatt came in the early '60s from India. We're Indian-Americans before the Civil Rights Act, before the Immigration Act, proud Minnesotans, contributed and led in the community and professionally. And as a result of that, they didn't have an opportunity to watch and participate in caring for their parents every day, or participating in the aging process with them, and in many cases, even the grieving process and final rites for them.

And the implication of that me, as a second-generation, I didn't get an opportunity to watch them go through these steps and figure out how to navigate that journey here in the United States. And I lift that up, because it is a unique journey, when you are an immigrant or a child of an immigrant, because our system is set up, and even our culture here, is set up with the things where we often see many people take leave or do things for their broader family, and we didn't get an opportunity to see it or do it.

And so for me, when this came up, and you know, my father had early-onset dementia at 58. I was 28. So I had been on this journey of caregiving since I was 28. I'm 57 now. And so it was a long journey of just integrating it into my career, using tools like FMLA and others to help my employers understand how they could support me.

And then, this final stage of finally stepping away-- it took a lot of effort and a lot of mentors and coaches to help me realize that this is the time. You know, I'm an only child. I don't have a partner or children, and the way they got me to understand was because I had never taken maternity leave.

And so we walked through what does it take to fully step away, and that we do it. We need to do it. But you don't recognize it if you haven't seen it in your family, and if you haven't done it yourself.

The pandemic had a lot to do with this. You know, I was taking care of my mom, who was on oxygen for three years. And we were isolated at home.

And as a result, I was her greatest risk. She and I lived together for 13 years after my father died, and it's a part of our cultural tradition to take care of our families in our homes.

CATHY WURZER: Say, I want to put a pin in that right for just a few minutes, if I could, please, and bring Senator Kent into the conversation. And I think people, Senator, were a little surprised when you stepped away. And you explained that it was in part because of your mom. Tell me what it was like to be at the legislature, in another high-powered position, very public position, and you've got your mom that you're taking care of.

SUSAN KENT: Yes. And I am so glad to be a part of this conversation, and Cathy, I appreciate your voice in all of these issues. Because I know you've been in this role as well. So I had-- just a little background on my situation-- my parents divorced when I was a kid.

My mother finally remarried in 2015 and moved from Texas, where she'd been living, to South Carolina. And then, she was diagnosed with Parkinson's, and she and her husband decided to move where they could get better health care, and Dallas was the plan. And they were moving back to Dallas, which was a good thing, because I could get there easier.

And I'm also an only child, so this is-- the labor-sharing is an issue. And long story short, after she got diagnosed with Parkinson's and they moved back to Dallas, he really effectively bailed on her. This was all around the same time that I had made the move to become a leader, and the timing of that was late 2019, which, of course, then COVID broke out in 2020, and everything went on lockdown.

Fortunately, my mother was, at that point, in an assisted-living facility in Dallas, and safe, and well-cared-for, and that was a huge relief. And like Paurvi was saying, I, obviously, was not going to travel down and expose her to anything. And the COVID situation in the Minnesota Senate was really hard-- trying to fight to make sure that we had good workplace protections, because we are not governed by the same rules that everybody else is.

And so it was a tough, tough time for everybody. I mean, my family and my work life is no real exception. But by the time everybody was getting vaccinated and things were really beginning to open up again, we got to see my mother, finally, in mid-2021. And she had just really declined. The COVID was hard on her.

She had finally agreed to move up here. She was a Southern girl, like me, and was not at all interested in Minnesota winter for a long time. And by the time we tried to really make that happen, she was just too frail to make that move.

So it's been a lot of long-distance caregiving for me, and managing her affairs, including a divorce and power of attorney and finances-- to just take care of that, and then medical emergencies.

CATHY WURZER: That's a lot. I'm wondering for both of you, what don't people understand about caregiving an elderly person? Paurvi?

PAURVI BHATT: You know, I think don't realize you're a caregiver when you're doing it, right? It's a title that you're not even aware of. And one of the things that I've been lifting up and said as it started, especially at 28, for me, was, wow, we spend so much time preparing for so many things that are in our control-- the belief that you can decide when you have a partner, or children, your career, school-- no one ever prepares you for a moment when maybe your parent that you're taking care of, not a child.

And that's going to be unpredictable and something that, of course, with your heart, you're going to want to do, but you're going to have to quickly figure out how to adjust. And I think a lot of folks-- they get caught off-guard when that hits. And as a result, financially being prepared for it, getting ready from a lifestyle view-- and I've often recommended maybe when we get ready for taxes every year, or planning for benefits every year, that we start this conversation.

Like, do you think we might have to take care of someone at some point? Do we know who might want to be ready to take care of us? Because if you get some of that going in your lifestyle and as well across your family, you've tried your best to kind of cushion the shock and the blow.

I think that's the part that very few people realize-- and the fact that you are a frog in the pot. You don't realize how much the water is heating up as things are going. I know, in my case, I just was really navigating my career all along, and just assumed that's what everybody does, until it got to that fever pitch when I did step away.

And it's really hard to pay attention to those cues, and to learn how to listen to your team while you are working-- listen to others who are coming forward to say, hey, I think we can help take some of the load off. There are partners and groups that are out there, ready to help. But the last thing I'll say-- especially when you're trying to help, be someone in the community, helping someone who is going through this journey, asking how I can help can almost feel like one more burden.

But just being proactive and stepping in to help goes a really, really long way. We're lucky today that we have a lot of benefit programs and things that are helping employers get more tools in the toolbox to help employees who are going through this. There are a variety of companies and groups and startups that are in this space, and terrific nonprofits in Minnesota, like CaringBridge and others, that are helping lighten the load.

But again, a lot of it is really being proactive and planning ahead. You know, my parents-- because I was an only child, because we were immigrants, they did so much pre-planning, because the illnesses came so early. My mom's first cancer came when she was 25, so they were preparing.

But it hit me flat-footed, and I think everyone does. No one wants to think about this, right? It's hard to think about a loved one getting older, which is the beginning of us dealing with loss and grief, which I think, Senator and I are in that spot now-- really thinking about, what does grief look like, and what will loss feel like. And all of that is culturally determined, and some of it can be planned.

CATHY WURZER: So Senator Kent, as a former lawmaker, what do you want lawmakers and employers and others to know about caregiving an aging parent?

SUSAN KENT: Oh, boy. And listening to Paurvi talk about her journey, you know, I feel it so much. It is just hard. And I think that there is no set path. I think the more we can do as a society to help people, as Paurvi was discussing, plan-- I mean, I tell you what, because we have a young adult son now.

And it's really important to me that I make sure that we're organized enough for our own care and our life and our situation, so that the burden doesn't fall on him too hard. Because he's also an only child. And you know, and as a former author of the paid leave proposal-- paid family and medical leave bill that is going through the legislature right now-- that is a huge resource.

I think that is something, particularly for those of us who are in that sandwich-generation moment, to make sure that people have the confidence that if they need that time, for very legitimate, real reasons, that there is a resource for all employers, not just the big ones, to support folks who are going through this as caregivers.

CATHY WURZER: You know what? I wish I had more time with you both. This is definitely a podcast or something, because there's so much to talk about when it comes to caregiving-- not only aging parents, but just across the board.

I appreciate your time, and thank you for what you're doing-- Paurvi, for your mom, and then Senator Kent, of course your mom is still with us. But thank you for everything that you've done for your parents, and thanks for your time.

SUSAN KENT: Thank you, Cathy.

PAURVI BHATT: Thank you, Cathy.

CATHY WURZER: Susan Kent is a former lawmaker, state Senate Minority Leader, and Paurvi Bhatt stepped away from her role as a health care executive at Medtronic. She's also on the board of CaringBridge.